Matsy

A word for record companies who decide to put copy protection on their releases:

Sat, 26 Jun 2004 01:31:36 GMT

FUCK YOU!

I'm working on ripping my music collection to MP3, and then burning those MP3s to CD-Rs. I have a personal CD player than can play MP3s from CDs, you see, and I figure it's easier to bring along 26 CDs of MP3s than it is to bring 178 CDs. But in order to back up CDs with copy protection... I have to download the songs individually, which is exactly what the copy protection is designed to stop. Congratu-fucking-lations. Even worse, certain copy-protected CDs don't actually play properly in that personal CD player. Chief example? Radiohead's Hail To The Thief. I can't play it in my CD player, and I can't burn it to MP3s that I can play in my CD player, so I have to fucking download it and burn those MP3s to a disc.

You're freaking geniuses, you morons.

How I could improve WWE Raw

Tue, 01 Jun 2004 06:02:00 GMT

Last week, I got to watch Raw for the first time in years, and I could find a way to improve every part of it. Let's see if I can do the same this week.

Live from Montreal, Quebec

Tag Team Champions Chris Benoit & Edge vs. La Resistance: Weird how Jerry Lawler seems to know so much about Canada, while Jim Ross doesn't. I hope they do the smart thing here and give La Resistance the titles. I do like how they're letting La Resistance get out of all the trademark moves of Benoit and Edge. And they do! Brilliant! WWE finally did something right. Now Benoit and Edge can focus on singles matches, and the tag titles are back in the tag division. I hope Flair and Batista don't win them right away, but I have a feeling Evolution will disintegrate before it comes to that. Nobody in that stable is getting any gold until Triple H wins back the world title somewhere around SummerSlam.
Mat's improvements: None. They did this exactly right.

Randy Orton talks about Shelton Benjamin with some idiot. They're gonna wrestle tonight, and if Benjamin wins, he gets an Intercontinental title match.
Mat's improvements: Fire the idiot.

Eric and Regal talk about stuff. Then they add Eugene. Eugene has a match tonight against a friend. I wonder if that friend will be the Rock. Then the Coach comes in. He's gotta apologize to Eugene for being a dick. Common sense dictates that this is leading to a match between Eugene and either the Coach or Garrison Cade at Bad Blood. I guess we'll see.
Mat's improvements: I don't really like Eugene's acting. He doesn't seem retarded, he seems like Kamala.

Now the Coach goes out to the ring to apologize. He calls out Eugene, gets all sincere, even does the handshake thing without a catch. I can't really see where this is going. Oh, it turns out that Kane wants to be Eugene's friend. Ahh, I get it. It's a "Kane kills the popular guy to look like a badass before his match with Benoit at Bad Blood" thing. And yep, that's exactly what it turns out to be. So, what, is John Coachman Kane's manager now? Is Kane Eugene's opponent tonight?
Mat's improvements: We'll see. Depends where this leads.

Oh, and look, Eric was in on it. And it's Eugene against Kane tonight.

Victoria vs. Jazz: Aw, fucking crap. Victoria. Get that dancing skank off my screen. Some fans chant that they want Bret. And hey, The Nutty Professor II is on. Look at Buddy Love. He thinks he's a dog!
Mat's improvements: MAKE VICTORIA STOP DANCING! And put betters shows on other channels, so I have something worthwhile to watch when women start wrestling.

Randy Orton vs. Shelton Benjamin: I bet a hundred million dollars Benjamin wins. If he doesn't, I'd love to listen to WWE's writers explain why. So Orton has Batista with him. I thought Benjamin looked good until he started punching like Hulk Hogan. Now Orton takes the pad off a turnbuckle, guarenteeing he'll be rammed headfirst into it later. Oh, but wait! Batista rams Benjamin's head into it! Anything can happen in World Wrestling Entertainment! Orton covers, while I hope for the sake of good writing that it's a two count. And it is. It's hard to be cynical about wrestling like this when they keep doing things correctly. There's the old "outside interference gets caught by the ref and the meddler gets sent to locker room" trick, more proof that Benjamin's victory is assured. This is a good match, really, from a storytelling point of view. Orton starts back to the locker room, then clocks Benjamin when he tries to stop him. Wow, that was awesome! But it leads to a powerslam, and Benjamin wins!
Mat's improvements: Nice story, but the actual wrestling could have been better. Still, it wasn't bad. Not much I can complain about. After all, I just won a hundred million dollars.

They talk about the Raw Diva Search, and now here's Stacy Keebler. That same idiot talks to her. She shills. I change channel.
Mat's improvements: NEVER LET STACY KEEBLER OPEN HER FUCKING MOUTH AGAIN! In fact, I'd rather they fire her than that idiot she was trying to talk convincingly to.

Now here comes Triple H. His hair hasn't always been that straight, has it? He talks about Shawn Michaels. Sounds like this is gonna be just a Bad Blood shill. He says Hell in a Cell ends careers. I don't think anyone's career has been ended by a Hell in a Cell match. Oh, here's a little video of Triple H in Hell in a Cell matches.
Mat's improvements: Surely they could have found a way to work hyping the Triple H/Shawn Michaels match into the show's actual story. This segment was dumb.

They run down the card for Bad Blood. Yay.

Now Eric wants Eugene.
Mat's improvements: Tell Johnny Nitro to shut up.

Matt Hardy vs. Garrison Cade: The thing last week with Lita and Matt still burns my brain. Lita's still hot, but all I can think about is her trying to act. The announcers say Cade is on a roll, despite his being on the losing team in last week's main event, in which he was outsmarted by Eugene. Cade bashes Hardy's head into the turnbuckle, which is still exposed, but it doesn't knock Hardy out cold and the announcers don't mention it. Hardy wins easily.
Mat's improvements: Two things. One, work in the storyline between Lita and Kane. They haven't mentioned it once yet in this entire show. Two, make this mean something. Give Hardy a real story, not just a match he has for no reason and wins meaninglessly. I hope this all leads to a match between Hardy and Kane in the long run, after Kane's finished being a placeholder world title challenger.

Eric wants Eugene to go away, and he's feeding Eugene to Kane to promote this goal.

Time for the Highlight Reel! But oh FUCK, it's Trish Stratus instead of Jericho. I'm so torn. On the one hand, I hate Trish. On the other, I love Jericho, so I guess I have to endure in case there are plot developments. God, this is painful. Trish tries to badmouth the crowd. WWE! PLEASE HIRE AT LEAST ONE WOMAN WHO CAN TALK WITHOUT SOUNDING LIKE CARDBOARD, OR FIRE THEM ALL! Fuck this, I don't care enough about Jericho to abuse my ears like this. Oh, wait! Here he comes! I've never been so happy to see a wrestler in all my life. Oh, but crap, it's just another chance for Tyson Tomko to smack him around. I suppose we're building to a Jericho/Tomko match at Bad Blood.
Mat's improvements: Shit, where to begin? First, transplant someone intelligent's brain into Trish Stratus's head. Then let Jericho actually beat Tomko a little, so the inevitable match doesn't just look like Tyson Tomko vs. that guy he beats to death every time they get together. And finally, let a sniper kill Trish.

Now Kane stares at the camera pointlessly.
Mat's improvements: Edit this out.

Eugene vs. Kane: I'm pretty sure Canadian rock band Finger Eleven is providing Kane's music. Americans might not realize that. I like Eugene's storytelling here, how he keeps going for quick pins to get it overwith. They keep talking about the fans enjoying this Memorial Day. There is no Memorial Day in Canada. Eugene's hair and beard remind me of Randy Savage. Sorry, but there isn't a lot of wrestling to comment on. But ha! I love Eugene's massive head trauma Hulking-up routine. So Eugene wins by disqualification, helping him remain a favorite, and Kane destroys him so he remains a badass. And now Benoit makes the save, to create the illusion of actual story behind the placeholder main event at Bad Blood.
Mat's improvements: Let Eugene act more like a wrestler and less like Kamala with flashes of Hulk Hogan. That doesn't help anyone.

My second Magic league

Thu, 20 May 2004 10:43:04 GMT

Is it good when you're playing in a Magic league, you play against the #1 guy in the league, and you fucking own him? 'Cause I just did that. He apparently got some pretty shitty draws, since he mulliganed to six in both duels and didn't play more that two lands. And he must be better than my duels against him indicated, because he was undefeated in his first five matches in the league. Still, I'm just happy about the fact that I'm now 2-1 in matches, 5-3 in duels.

The format is one Mirrodin tournament pack and two Darksteel boosters, with another Darksteel booster added each week.

1 Darksteel Citadel
8 Forest
8 Mountain

1 Arcbound Fiend
1 Ogre Leadfoot
1 Oxidda Golem
1 Spikeshot Goblin
1 Tangle Golem
1 Tangle Spider
1 Tel-Jilad Chosen
1 Tel-Jilad Wolf
1 Vulshok War Boar (foil)

1 Barbed Lightning
1 Battlegrowth
1 Creeping Mold
1 Echoing Courage
1 Electrostatic Bolt
1 Grab the Reins
1 Isochron Scepter
1 Oxidize
1 Pyrite Spellbomb
1 Shunt
1 Sword of Fire and Ice
1 Turn to Dust
1 Vulshok Morningstar
1 Wirefly Hive

You may notice that I didn't include any of my Mirrodin rares in the deck. The rares were Jinxed Choker (for the second straight league!), Leveler and Loxodon Punisher. While the Punisher is nice, I don't have the white cards or the equipment to back it up. And I defy you to justify including the Choker or the Leveler in this deck. No, the only other cards I have that I considered were Arcane Spyglass (I have the land to justify it, but tend to be spending my mana on other things so often that I don't get the chance to play the Spyglass itself); Silver and/or Leaden Myr (more mana is always good, but I rarely need it); and Blinkmoth Well (could easily replace Darksteel Citadel if necessary, but the Citadel gives me something else to let the War Boar eat).

Thoughts from Magic players? Shaterri?

Quick note

Fri, 14 May 2004 12:55:20 GMT

I saw a cool new CD today. It's called Rock Against Bush, Volume 1. A whole CD of punk bands contributing songs (mostly recorded specifically for the album) to proclaim their disgust with George W. Bush. Bands like the Offspring, Pennywise, Ministry, Sum 41, A New Found Glory, NOFX, the Ataris, Social Distortion... and check out some of these song titles:

"Moron"
"Warbrain"
"Baghdad"
"No W"
"Sink, Florida, Sink"
"Paranoia! Cha-Cha-Cha"
"No Voice Of Mine"
"The Expatriate Act"
"God Save The USA"
"The Brightest Bulb Has Burned Out"

Awesome.

Day of the dice

Tue, 11 May 2004 11:13:50 GMT

I got a new roleplaying die yesterday, and remembered one I had previously forgotten I had today, so I figured it might be fun to show off to you all the dice I have now.

Well, here's all my dice. And the bag I tote them around in. It's furry.

Officially, these are my first two dice. Technically, only the sparkly magenta one is really mine. The other was my brother's, but he abandoned it. They were originally used to keep track of life while playing Magic. Now they find most of their use in Dungeons & Dragons.

This was my first real set of dice, selected because it was, in my words, "the fruitiest colour available." It only has three d6's, because this set dates to the pre-3rd Edition D&D days, before the "4d6 drop the lowest" method of rolling ability scores became the standard. Sets of dice sold nowadays tend to come with four d6's.

This was my second set of dice, given to me as a Christmas gift from Neil. I've included the d20 from the previous set in this picture to give you a sense of scale. This is a set of miniature dice. Oversized dice are also available, and Matthew has some, but I never opted for that purchase.

I think this was my next set of dice. Sorry about the shitty picture. Some guy came into Neil's store to sell his dice, Neil offered 'em up for a low price, and I bought 'em because they were so damn ugly. In case you can't tell from the picture, they are coloured with red, black and yellow speckles. They look like someone vomited magma. This set is neat, though, because the edges are fairly sharp (rather than the more rounded edges of my other dice), it contains the only d4 I own with the numbers on the tip of the pyramid rather than the bottom, and the only d% with the numbers printed sideways.

This was the Christmas gift from Neil the year after the mini-dice. He gave me pink dice because they were the gayest he had as a playful insult, but I think they're pretty cool. I couldn't get a proper picture, but their main attraction is that they glow in the dark. Why you'd have to roll dice in the dark, I do not know. You couldn't even see your character sheet! Note that this set also comes with three d6's.

Here's another shitty picture, but the dice are some of the coolest I own. They're called crystal dice. They're designed to look like multi-sided shards of crystal, and since they're oblong with the numbers printed on the long faces, they will always land number-side up, just like regular dice. The d20 tends to roll a bit too much, though, since the sides are so thin that it's hard for it to land on a flat face. It's kind of like a d100 in that way, if you've ever seen one of those.

This set causes me some annoyance right now. If you look carefully, you'll notice that there's no d8. It's missing. I have an idea of where it is, but it's still annoying having an incomplete set of dice. The dice are all very different from each other because it is not actually a "set," but rather one die of each type that I selected from a big tub of dice at Anthrocon 2002. The unpictured d8 is a opalescent brownish-gold with black numbers.

This was the die I had forgotten about. It's a d2. Which is to say, it's a coin. A Canadian 1987 quarter, to be exact, with some kind of tarnish all over it. It dates back to the Magic days as well: it was my official flipping coin. Now it's a d2.

And this was the die I found yesterday. It's isn't really a die, just a perfectly clear and smooth sphere of plastic. I figured it was too neat to just throw away, so I found a home for it in my die collection. It's a d1.

Mat types about Magic

Wed, 28 Apr 2004 10:03:06 GMT

Wanna see my latest sealed deck creation?

The product was one Mirrodin tournament pack and two Darksteel boosters. After a lot of tweaking, the deck I ended up by the end with was this:

7 Forest
8 Mountain
1 Tree of Tales

1 Arcbound Bruiser
1 Arcbound Lancer
1 Copper Myr
1 Darksteel Gargoyle
1 Drill-Skimmer
1 Fangren Firstborn
1 Fangren Hunter
1 Hematite Golem
1 Oxidda Golem
1 Platinum Angel
1 Silver Myr
1 Tangle Spider
1 Viridian Acolyte
1 Vulshok War Boar

1 Barbed Lightning
1 Chrome Mox
1 Creeping Mold
1 Echoing Ruin
1 Electrostatic Bolt
1 Icy Manipulator
1 Lightning Greaves
1 Neurok Hoversail
1 Pyrite Spellbomb
1 Unforge
1 Whispersilk Cloak

Yes, I did get a Platinum Angel, Chrome Mox, Icy Manipulator, Creeping Mold and Lightning Greaves in a single tournament pack in a sealed deck game. The third rare was a Loxodon Punisher, which is also not slouchy. And the rare in the other booster was a Death Cloud. I also got a Chrome Mox in the last sealed deck I did, so I have two now. Not bad, huh? And these are real cards, not Magic Online ones, in case you were wondering. For those already thinking of how the deck could be tuned, I agree the Viridian Acolyte could probably go. It was initially a Darksteel Ingot, but I replaced it in favor of a cheaper card, and a creature. Now that I've played with it a bunch, I think it could best be replaced by a Forest. The Neurok Hoversail might also go, which probably wouldn't hurt, since the deck is 41 cards right now. I love the Hoversail, but it wasn't overly effective for me, for the most part. Some may also nix the Platinum Angel, but she is a 4/4 flier, after all. I like her.

On Friday, me and Micah did a "playoff" style series of games with our decks. It started with just some duels, but after doing best two out of three, as official Magic games are played, we still wanted to play. So we did best four out of seven, like hockey playoffs (Micah's a hockey fan too). His deck was red and black, and I remember it had an Arcbound Ravager (in addition to Stinger, Worker and Slith), so there were some pretty good rares pulled throughout the sealed decks. How did the duels go, you ask?

I lost 4-3, and it was just as close as those numbers indicate. I played a third- or fourth-turn Vulshok War Boar several times, often with Lightning Greaves in play to batter him with. I mostly managed to contain his modular creatures, though they became pretty pesky. Especially when equipped with a Fireshrieker, as they often were. The death blow in Duel 7 was a spectacular thing. I was at 5 life, and was beating him to death with a Hematite Golem he couldn't deal with. I attacked, pumped the Golem to 5/4... and then he played an entwined Grab the Reins. Brutal. Oh well.

WWE Raw 2

Tue, 06 Apr 2004 23:24:35 GMT

I gotta get this off my chest.

So I'm playing season mode, and the Backlash pay-per-view comes up. Triple H vs. Chris Benoit for the World Title. I decide to watch it, computer vs. computer. Within 45 seconds, Benoit has been thrown out of the ring, and the computer gets into a little loop in which HHH follows Benoit out while Benoit gets back in, causing Benoit to follow HHH out while HHH gets back in. So I get nine minutes and fifteen seconds of this constant place-changing, until the match ends when the time limit expires.

Did anybody at Jakks Pacifc actually test this game to make sure the computer had even the illusion of AI? Whenever I let the computer play itself, the result is almost always a double countout. Failing that, the time limit expires. Matches where there are an actual decisions are so rare, they could be chalked up to a margin of error in more scientific polls. It's kinda sad when I get more accurate results by telling the computer to randomly generate a winner than I do from actually letting it fight. The computer has no idea what to do if its opponent is whipped into the turnbuckle or tied in the ropes, as well. And the different referees, while a good idea in theory, don't work out so well when 75% of the time it's the referee who counts so slowly you'd have a better chance of getting a three count if you flew to the Rocky Mountains, carved three notches into the rock face, came back, covered your opponent, and used the movement of a nearby glacier in relation to the notches to count your pinfall.

It's a decent game as far as actual gameplay goes, and it has a great create a wrestler feature, but it falls apart when things you need to rely on the computer for (referee, opponent) come into play.

Digga tunnah, bitch

Thu, 12 Feb 2004 10:29:47 GMT

One thing you should know about me is that I am infatuated with The Lion King. I saw it three times when it was in theatres, the last of which was actually on the day it was released on video, in February of 1995. Of course I have the DVD, so is it any surprise that I went out and got The Lion King 1 1/2 today?

I wasn't entirely sure what it was going to be. I knew the basic idea: that it was Timon and Pumbaa putting themselves in key points of the original story where they weren't originally. And I knew Timon's mom and uncle were somehow involved. As it turns out, it basically follows Timon from when he left his home in the meerkat colony through to after Simba became king. It just so happens that Timon's story intersects The Lion King's story in a number of places. And Pumbaa's there too.

It's like the ultimate piece of Lion King fan fiction. What did Timon do before meeting Pumbaa? How exactly did Timon and Pumbaa meet? How did they decide to follow Simba back to the Pride Lands? How many Internet authors have speculated on these very questions? Now we get Disney's version, which I guess we have to take as canon. That's alright, though, as it's pretty inoffensive canon. It works a little hard to put in an exciting climax, and I'd have to go back and double-check the original movie, but I think that climactic ending might contradict the actual, original ending in a small way (I'll elaborate in a comment below, since it contains a slight spoiler and should be optional reading for those who are passionate about The Lion King). But we get to see more of the hyenas (who were always my favorite characters), they kinda single out Shenzi (who was always my favorite hyena), and it's Whoopi Goldberg doing her voice (I have no governing opinion about Whoopi Goldberg), so thumbs up. Did you know Shenzi's middle name was Marie? Other high points include seeing Timon and Pumbaa during the "I Just Can't Wait To be King" sequence, and watching them try to sabotage Simba's romance with Nala, especially Timon proclaiming, "We can't let them feel the love tonight!" which I think may be one of the funniest lines ever. If you don't believe me, trust me, it's kinda in how it's delivered.

I only have two issues. One is the ending contradiction I mentioned earlier. The other... I am fucking sick of hearing the words, and especially the song, "Hakuna Matata." If I was Nathan Lane, I probably would have shot myself by now.

As I bought it, I found myself thinking, "Disney really should re-release The Lion King II now that they've released the first one and this thing within months of each other. Some of us don't have complete Lion King DVD collections now." I was pleased when I opened the case to see an advertisement letting me know that The Lion King II: Simba's Pride - Special Edition is being released on DVD this fall. November, I'm betting, since October is the scheduled release date for the DVD version of Aladdin. And so another trilogy can begin its DVD life...

By the way, one of the trailers was for a movie called Home On The Range. A cel-animated movie, which pleased me, since I thought Disney was done with cel-animated movies after Brother Bear. Home On The Range involves a western theme, and stars three cows. I've never liked western themes, or cows. But this movie looks fucking great! It seems pretty hilarious, and I wouldn't doubt that the production crew of The Emperor's New Groove and Lilo & Stitch are behind it. And I love the drawing style. Very stylized, like an old Disney short. Awesome stuff. Rated PG, it seems. That's weird. Maybe it's because one of the cows (apparently with the voice of Roseanne) shows off her udders and says, "Yeah, they're real." Boob humor will always have a place at Walt Disney Pictures.

Short notes

Wed, 21 Jan 2004 14:36:54 GMT

- I finally beat the god damn helicopter in Viewtiful Joe. Kinda embarrassing. I was intending to show off to my brother just how impossible a boss it was, and I beat it on the second try. So I got a save point, which makes me happy. Unfortunately for Viewtiful Joe...

- I got that double thing Ubisoft is offering. The thing where you buy Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time and get Tom Clancy's Splinter Cell free? Yeah. I ordered it straight from the company via the website. The pro to this is that I got the original, green case version of Splinter Cell instead of the Platinum Hits version you get in stores. The con is that Canada customs seems to have charged me duty on both games, so it ended up costing a small fortune more than I had anticipated. Free Trade...
Anyway, I haven't tried Splinter Cell yet, but Prince of Persia seems pretty great. Quirky jumping sometimes, but that seems to be what defines a Prince of Persia game. Fantastic graphics, too. You poor suckers who're stuck with the PS2 version. I pity you.

- Another video game thing. So Nintendo's been teasing this brand new thing they have cooking up for awhile now. Not a successor to the GameCube, they said, nor a successor to the Game Boy Advance. I had this wild fantasy that they might have some kind of Xbox Live-esque online plan, but of course that was folly, given that Nintendo sits baffled in its office wondering what these "inter-nets" are and why everyone seems so impressed with this specific variety of net. Anyway, now they reveal that what they have is a new portable system with two screens. Not a new Game Boy, though. Something that will run concurrently to it. So... basically... it's a new Game Boy that isn't backward-compatible. You know what else was a portable system that had two screens? The Virtual Boy. I'm sorry, but I reacted to this announcement with sheer lethargy, except the rolling of my eyes and the knowledge that, assuming this thing (Nintendo DS, they call it, and I'm certain the "DS" stands for "Double Screen") ships in late 2004, it will be dead and gone by late 2005. Sit and think about it for a few seconds, and I'm sure you too will see the multitude of flaws in this product. Nintendo, what is wrong with you? Did you feel sorry for Nokia and decide to make something dumber than the N-gage? The only way this could be stupider is if the screens aren't backlit, and we have to wait two years for them to charge an extra $50 for the Nintendo DS SP, which doesn't have a headphone jack.

- I haven't mentioned what I got for my birthday. My parents gave me a tower thing for my CDs, which is good. My spinner holder, which holds 132 CDs, was full to overflowing. This new tower holds 180 CDs. So I have a capacity of 312 now. Nice.
My sister gave me a shirt, which is cool. My brother gave me the Beatles' Let It Be... Naked. I like it, though I can't help but think I probably should have listened to the original version of Let It Be first. All in good time.
There was also another gift from my parents. Now, my parents never subscribed to the "pick something out and I'll buy it for you" shopping trip as a birthday gift back in my youth. You know the sort of thing I mean. They take you to the toy store, and let you pick your own present. My parents were never down with that. It eliminates the fun of unwrapping a wrapped gift, and the thought of picking something out specially for your child that you know they'll like, and watching the surprise and glee on their faces as they discover it. This year, though, they gave me something similar to this. They gave me $100 in gift certificates from A&B Sound (a CD, DVD and electronics store). The thought was that I could romp into the establishment armed with that money, and go on a shopping spree of sorts, dazzled like a kid in a candy store as I selected nigh unlimited quantities of music and/or movies. Their thought was correct, too. It was less than 24 hours before I was gazing at the CDs in my new tower, spotting the holes that those gift certificates could fill. Beck's Mutations, the Beatles' Let It Be and Magical Mystery Tour, the Tea Party's Splendor Solis... why, I may even finally pick up Radiohead's My Iron Lung EP, the lack of which has been an embarrassing blemish on my collection.

- I love the subject lines of spam. My favorite to date has been aroused genital labia-can you see it? Anyway, we have a new champion. Check this one out... <-- Your Free 1 Month Supply --> rape conviction. Um... are you offering me a one omnth supply of rape convictions? I'll pass, thanks.

Viewtiful Joe

Thu, 08 Jan 2004 10:14:28 GMT

So I managed to find a used copy of Viewtiful Joe for $30. Everyone says it's great. So let's see what I say.

To start with, let me show you what Penny Arcade had to say about it. It is required reading before you hear my opinion, because besides Nikashi showing me the trailer and telling me how much I needed to get this game, that comic was all I had to go on. As it turns out, it was the opinion I should have listened to.

The game is a side-scroller in the classic tradition which is, as far as I can tell from peeking at GameFAQs, divided into seven levels. Since this is (or was) 2003, the game also has to be very large. So the levels are very large. And, also in the classic tradition, there are no save points. Your ability to save your progress is limited to a level-by-level basis. I am currently on level one. If you consider "where I am" in the level to be "how far I can go every time I play before I die," I am at the fourth mini-boss in that level. Read that again: four bosses, no ability to save. Oh, and three lives. There are unlimited continues, but guess what? Each "continue" starts you off at where you last saved the game. Which is to say, the beginning of the level. Which is also to say, in my case, the beginning of the game.

I guess the thinking was that it was supposed to remind you of simpler times, when you would play through a game, level by level, over and over, because you enjoyed the level design and gameplay. Viewtiful Joe's level design looks something like this...

__________________________________________________________________________

Gameplay is mildly more entertaining, with various ways to speed up and slow down time and such. There are some platforms to jump on, some very, very simple puzzles to solve ("There's a spinning slot-machine. My magic bracelet is telling me to use one of my powers. I only have one power: the ability to slow down time. What do I do?") and some baubles to collect, but essentially, it's a matter of button-mashing. One of those games where you walk in a straight line until some enemies show up, you defeat them by hitting the punch and kick buttons a lot, and are allowed to move on. In my opinion, that is one of the most repugnant of game designs, and I thought we had evolved past it. Thanks, Capcom. Just when I had fallen in love with Mega Man Battle Network 3, and had forgiven you for being shitty for the past ten years, you go and do this.

The main reason people seemed attracted to this game was the graphics. Cel-shaded. Haven't we reached the point yet where that isn't enough to sell a game? No, I am not tired of cel-shading yet. I love it. I actually invisioned a game using what we now call "cel-shading" back in high school, some four or five years before the release of Jet Set Radio. I am tired, however, of games that seem to think pretty cel-shading by itself is adequate, and the design of the rest of the game is secondary. I'm looking in your direction, Wind Waker. As far as Viewtiful Joe goes, the graphics are lovely, but I can't help but think that I could be looking at just as lovely graphics while playing Jet Set Radio Future, and be having fun on top of that.

As for the sound... ugh... the less said, the better. Literally. Joe needs to shut the fuck up. Whenever his special power meter runs out, he turns from Viewtiful Joe into just Joe. When it fills up again, he turns back into Viewtiful Joe. But he has to say this magic word to turn into Viewtiful Joe, which is something like "henshin." Only, because Joe is as pro-active and in-your-face as Poochy, he says, "Henshin-a-go-go, baby!" Every. Fucking. Time. Even more annoying are the life-refilling items. They're hamburgers, and whenever he collects one, Joe says, "Mm, yum-may!" Jesus.

Apparently, there is a market for games in which you get to play the same level over and over, doing little more than walk in a straight line and punch and kick. If, for some reason, you enjoy this market, Viewtiful Joe will blow your mind. If you like good games, however, Viewtiful Joe will make you blow your mind out. It's like playing Super Mario Bros. 3, only with no 1-ups, and every level is perfectly flat and filled with goombas, and Mario says "It's-a me!" every time you find a mushroom.

For those interested...

Mon, 05 Jan 2004 15:45:39 GMT

Today is the final day of the Mirrodin league I'm in on Magic Online, and I think I've played all the matches I'm going to be able to squeeze in before it closes. My final record, as near as I can figure, looks like this:

Week 1: 2-3
Week 2: 0-2
Week 3: 4-4
Week 4: 1-1

Last I checked, that put me in 117th place. I think the top 120 get two booster packs, so provided not too many surpass me in the next ten hours or so, I'll get some free product. Unless I'm wrong about prize distribution.

The final make-up of my deck is this:

5 Forest
5 Island
5 Swamp
1Tree of Tales
1 Vault of Whispers

1 Bottle Gnomes
1 Flayed Nim
1 Myr Enforcer
2 Neurok Spy
1 Nim Shrieker
1 Slith Bloodletter
1 Somber Hoverguard
1 Tel-Jilad Archers
1 Tel-Jilad Exile
1 Viridian Shaman
1 Wizard Replica
2 Yotian Soldier

1 AEther Spellbomb
1 Bonesplitter
1 Chromatic Sphere
1 Contaminated Bond
1 Deconstruct
1 Domineer
1 Dragon Blood
1 Jinxed Choker
1 Journey of Discovery
1 Leonin Scimitar
2 Neurok Hoversail
2 Predator's Strike
2 Terror
1 Turn to Dust
2 Viridian Longbow
1 Wail of the Nim

A bit large for a limited deck, but I'm fairly pleased with it.

I find weird things interesting

Fri, 02 Jan 2004 14:19:42 GMT

Here's a rare insight into the inner workings of Pizza Hut.

One of the kinds of dough we make is what we call "classic" dough. It's used in the production of stuffed crust and oven-baked crust pizzas, and in P'zones. Before making a batch the other day, I looked at the package the mix came in. And noticed a few oddities.

First, the not-so-oddities. The package had the Canadian Pizza Hut logo, with the little maple leaf that depicted it as such. Elsewhere on the packaging, it said that it was made for Pizza Hut Canada, along with an address in Moncton, Ontario. Since this is Canada, everything is fine so far, right?

Now, in large letters, the mix was titled "CLASSIC AMERICAN DOUGH BLEND." And then, just to remind you that this is Canadian American dough, it said this in French. And there's more. Further inspection showed that this Canadian American dough was made in the European Union, and specifically in France. Wow.

I was reminded of this because of something I just saw here at home. My dad's been doing a bit of renovating, and apparently bought new jigsaw blades for the purpose. I found the package. It was made by a company called Vermont American. "Well," I thought to myself, picking up the package, "If it's already Vermont, doesn't the American part seem a bit redundant?" Then I wondered if... sure enough, the package had French on it, as well as what I think was Spanish, making sure that it was produced with Canadian sale in mind as well as the US. Oh, and these Vermont American blades being sold in Canada were made in Switzerland. Getting dough flashbacks, I decided to check and see if Vermont American is based in Vermont. As it turns out, Vermont American imports its blades from Switzerland to its home office in North Carolina before shipping them out for sale in Canada.

Don't look at me like that. I said in the title that I find weird things interesting.

Avarice

Thu, 25 Dec 2003 18:15:39 GMT

Merry Christmas to you all. I'm sure you're all wondering what kind of riches I garnered. Well, let's see.

My sister gave me a rather cool poster, decorated with a number of adorable kittens and the slogan "The best things in life are furry." She's never been to a con, obviously. Still, I keep going to them, so there must be some truth in the statement.

My brother gave me the X2 DVD, which is of course glorious. I loves me the X-Men movies.

My parents gave me a Canucks jersey, and that's just fantastic. It leaves me wondering whether I should wear that or the Molson "I AM CANADIAN" jersey I had previously been given to Further Confusion.

I also got from my parents an unexpected and cool gift: a coin collecting album. I don't think I mentioned it before, but I've taken to collecting coins. Mostly Canadian ones, though I do set aside particularly special American ones, and any unusual things like pence or whatever I come across. So now I have a book to keep them all in, which is very handy.

Finally, two other DVDs. The Lion King, because I am just that dorky, and the extended edition of The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers.

Oh, wait, there was one other thing: a fourth controller for my GameCube. Because when I'm hanging out with my friends and the Double Dashing or Super Smashing begins, three just isn't enough.

As for what I gave them, my sister got the Finding Nemo DVD, which she desperately wanted; my brother got the This Is Spinal Tap DVD, which he hasn't seen, but I know will be right up his alley; my dad got A Hard Day's Night, which pleased him; and my mom got the latest Reba McEntire CD, which she didn't even know existed, despite enjoying her works

That's about it. The only other gift to be given is to Chynna, which will have to come much, much later. Like February. It should be cool, though.

What I've been up to

Tue, 23 Dec 2003 15:25:58 GMT

My attempt to catalog every day for a week obviously failed. Let me fill you in on what I've been doing.

Remember when I said I might look around A&B Sound? Well, I did. That place is a wonderland. If I had just a little less self-control, I could have broken myself. They had Elephant, for the low, low price of $12.99, but did not have White Blood Cells. They did, however, have Wilco's Summerteeth for $12.79, so I got that.

Summerteeth is like the beloved Yankee Hotel Foxtrot, just a bit less... I dunno... epic. Listening to YHF is like holding your ear to a portal to a world where all music is good, where there are no "Milkshakes" or Idols of any nation. Summerteeth, by contrast, is like walking along innocently, and catching the sound of that portal from afar. It's not the same as being there, but it is beyond Wilco's previous album, a two-CD affair which is incidentally called Being There. I have that, too, having picked it up a few months ago. It's also nice stuff. I guess what I'm trying to say is that Wilco is one of those rare bands that just gets better and better. Each CD superior to the last. The only album of theirs that I now lack is their first one, a.m., which I suspect will be good, but not as good as Being There. Fortunately, I've rarely seen it being sold for more than $7.99, so it's just a matter of time.

Elephant is frightening. It was recorded in London, on 8-track equipment of the sort that hasn't been in wide use in years. The album is divided up like an 8-track, in fact, with songs portioned into groups A, B, C and D. No computers were used during the creation process at all. And the result is the rebirth of the Beatles, right down to the Lennon/McCartney-esque voice of Jack White. It's astounding, and it leaves one with this profound sense that, no, all hope for music is not lost. Human beings have not lost their ability to rock. We still live in a world where people - people who number as few as two - can create an album that kicks as much ass as Elephant. Listen to a song like "Black Math," "There's No Home For You Here," "The Hardest Button To Button," "Little Acorns," "Girl, You Have No Faith In Medicine" or "Well It's True That We Love One Another," and all that gibberish I just wrote will make perfect sense.

I've sorta lost track of what else, if anything, I wanted to mention. Oh, there are two things, but I'll let one wait for later. The other thing is the Mirrodin league I'm playing in on Magic Online. I finished my first week's matches with a 3-2 record. I just tonight completed my second batch of matches, and went 2-3. Two of the losses were largely a result of adding white to the deck, thus losing focus. The deck that started artifact/black/green/red is now artifact/black/blue/red, after the aforementioned flirtation with white and the determination that, after adding my first booster, my blue cards were generally stronger than my green ones. Losing Tel-Jilad Archers has hurt a bit, but I've managed to live, and I don't find myself missing Journey of Discovery nearly as much as I thought I would.

Oh, I just remembered a third thing, but I'll let it wait, too. Now I go to bed.

P.S.

Thu, 11 Dec 2003 14:53:15 GMT

New favorite quote...

"It's not a surprise that while we used to be the respected moral leader of the world, we're not. We're now the most feared country on the face of the earth, but no longer the most respected." - US presidential candidate Howard Dean

It reminds me of an episode of Masters of the Universe in which Skeletor told some guy that Two-Bad obey him not because they like him, but because they fear him. I kinda like the thought of comparing George W. Bush to Skeletor. Colon Powell could be Beast Man, and Donald Rumsfeld could be Trap Jaw. And maybe Tony Blair could be Hordak. Or maybe that's Schwarzenegger. Blair could be, like.. Mer Man.

I could do this all day, but I need sleep.

Whensday

Thu, 11 Dec 2003 14:33:53 GMT

Absolutely nothing worth mentioning happened at work today.

During my break, I went over to the mall. I was feeling kinda burned-out, and decided to treat myself to a couple of CDs: The White Stripes' White Blood Cells and Elephant. Now, there are four stores at the mall that sell CDs: Future Shop, HMV, Zellers and London Drugs. I started at HMV, since they usually have a thing where you can get two selected CDs for $30. They did, and White Blood Cells was one of them (lots of copies, too), but when I looked for Elephant, they punched me in the face. Well, the people in the store were actually quite polite and helpful. They took me to the spot where Elephant should have been, and furrowed their brows as they found it gone. It was the store itself that punched me. No Elephant there. Since White Blood Cells would have been $17 by itself, and I knew I could get it for less at Future Shop, I went there next. Amazingly, Future Shop was also devoid of Elephant. And as I would discover, so were London Drugs and Zellers. There wasn't a single copy of it to be found in the whole mall. Tomorrow, I may try the local A&B Sound.

I got home and tinkered online, played my third league match on Magic Online and lost terribly. Soul Foundry imprinted with Viridian Shaman... How do you combat that? By the time I drew a Shatter, it was too late.

I agonized over BDK for awhile, got some food, agonized some more, and finally put off the agonizing in favor of drawing today's comic, which I was prepared for (it's next week's comics that I'm agonizing over). It just went up, and now I'm gonna go to bed.

2sday

Wed, 10 Dec 2003 15:10:13 GMT

Went to work, not much special happened until almost 10, at which point an unannounced party of ten people came in to eat. We close at 11, and I typically spend the hour between 10 and 11 getting some pre-closing stuff done. Not today, not between the big party and five delivery orders (it doesn't sound like much, but at that time of night, on a Tuesday, it's a bit unusual, and annoying when there's one cook in the kitchen to make them all and cut them). Still, I somehow managed to finish on time.

I got home and hopped online. Checked the websites, including the latest, and greatest Strong Bad Email, and a brand new Making Fiends. Hit Magic Online for my second league match, which I also won, giving me a 2-0 (4-2 in duels) record and tying me for 120th place :) Maybe I should mention that a "match" is defined as a best two out of three series of duels, and a duel is a single game of Magic. I already mentioned Nim Shrieker yesterday, and I still stand firm in my belief that it kicks ass in limited. It's hard to argue the point when you have a 4/1 flyer beating your head in. I also wish to express my admiration for Granite Shard. Damn.

So then I fucked around online some more, and eventually drew a new BDK. Now I'm typing this, after which I'm gonna get food and go to bed.

Munday

Tue, 09 Dec 2003 14:43:53 GMT

Work started out not as bad as yesterday, but not all that great. Things were a bit backed up because one of the cooks was late, and a lot of the preparation that was supposed to be done in the afternoon for the evening wasn't done. According to general manager Nalini (who was actually at the restaurant; I must remember to check online and see if there were any astrological allignments today that don't normally happen), the prep wasn't done because men were in fixing the broken make table I mentioned yesterday. The thing about Nalini is that she has an amazing ability to put blame on people other than herself or no one when herself or no one is to blame. And talk on the phone instead of doing work. In addition to her previously-alluded-to ability to not be around. She did plenty of all that today.

Fortunately, my assigned task for the evening was making dough. I like making dough. A batch of dough starts to dry out, rise (or "proof") and become unuseable after half an hour, so once the batch is mixed, it has to be cut into portions and put into pans quickly. What this means is that, when someone's making dough, they have to remain there making dough. So the "doughmaster" gets to pretty much ignore everything else that's going on in the restaurant, and just make dough. And making dough is also easy, and almost fun in a way. So I was pleased to spend my time during the dinner rush making dough. And when I was finished, it was break time, so I almost completely missed the busy cooking period.

After that, things went pretty smoothly, and I was out of the restaurant just after midnight. I spent a few minutes talking to the evening's shift manager, Amanda, about Nalini, and realized that I hadn't received my employee evaluation for October. These evaluations come out twice a year, and if they go as they are supposed to, result in a ten cent per hour raise. So, that's about eight weeks, at least 30 hours a week... 30*8*10/100=24. $24 I haven't been paid. I've decided to start complaining about this every day until it is acknowledged, starting tomorrow.

Got home, hopped online, hung around for awhile. Not too much was going on. Eventually, I hit Magic Online and joined a fledgling Mirrodin sealed deck league. I won't divulge the contents of the deck here, since the league will continue for a month and potential opponents might be reading, but I will say that I pulled some crummy rares and built a fairly crummy deck. Yet I still managed to win my first match. Nim Shrieker is a monster in limited.

Then I drew today's BDK, and discovered that my second-to-last inking pen has run out of ink enough that it's unreliable. I managed to drag a comic out of it, Photoshop it up and put it online. Then it was time for some more Zelda II. Why? Because I'm a masochist, apparently. I finished off the sixth palace, and finished collecting spells, so now I have to find one heart container and level up my attack one more time, before I go off to face the final palace. Speaking of which, does anyone remember where in the Zelda II story it says there's a seventh palace? I thought the story said all you had to do to wake up Zelda was place six crystals in six statues in six palaces. Where does the seventh come in?

Anyway, after that I ate some cereal while watching a couple Homestar cartoons. I found an easter egg I hadn't noticed before! And now I'm gonna brush my teeth and go to sleep. So there's Monday.

Sundae

Mon, 08 Dec 2003 14:58:04 GMT

Since I've been talking about little other than video games lately, I've decided to post something every day this week about how my day went. Today is Sunday's.

I woke up at 4:30pm, ate, showered, and went to work. Once I got to work, I immediately wanted to leave. Unfolded pizza boxes were all over the floor in the kitchen, which could mean only one thing: there was a leak somewhere, and the floor was covered with water. The pizza boxes were to provide some traction. As it turned out, the refridgerated table all the pizzas are made on and ingrediants kept in had broken down. To keep the ingrediants cold, the portion below the ingrediants' containers was filled with ice. And, of course, the ice was melting. I kept thinking as I worked that I should have invoked my right to refuse to do any work I deemed hazardous, since walking on that floor was like walking on ice.

As a more minor, but permanent annoyance, management had at some point decreed that we were to use a new mixing hook on our dough mixer. A hook that doesn't fit the machine properly, and thus cannot be removed once attached. That means finished dough has to be removed from the mixer with a big metal hook in the way, removing the mixing bowl for cleaning becomes tricker, and the dried dough that covers the hook after use can't be soaked in water before it's cleaned, making the task that much more difficult.

During my break, I escaped the restaurant to go check out Future Shop's new location in the local mall, Coquitlam Centre. Nice place. I picked up a spindle of 50 CD-Rs, for which I have plans, and a new Game Boy Advance game, Mario & Luigi: Superstar Saga. Nikashi has been telling me to buy this game for a couple weeks now, and I've found that the only way to stop him from telling you to buy a game is to either buy the game, or wait until he finds a new game to tell you to buy. I was a big fan of Paper Mario anyway, which this new game is apparently based on in small ways. It was also the last piece I needed to register on the website and get a free Zelda promotional disc, featuring three games I already have and one I don't have and don't really care about. Still, free game.

Is Mario & Luigi good? I hear it is. I'm actually gonna save it for my amusement during the flights to and from Further Confusion, so I haven't tried it yet, and won't for a month and a half.

Back at work, things had calmed down, and I had time to dry the floor and put a container down to collect the leaking water. From there, it was pretty much business as usual. Even despite all the madness, I finished work right on time, at midnight.

After I got home, I hopped online and checked my email and such. Nothing special. Then I started drawing Monday's BDK. Actually, I had already drawn the first panel, and the whole comic was only two panels, so it didn't take too long to draw. Eventually, Jay came around, and we talked about donuts and politics and whatnot while I photoshopped the comic together and threw it online. We talked some more, and then he went to draw. After awhile, Boris Chwosta appeared, and I talked with him for awhile. And also Sarenthalanos. Unfortunately, as I was talking to Boris, I was also downloading a driver I needed to fix a little technical issue, and when installed, it restarted my computer on me, right in the middle of the conversation. Then I decided that it was time to start thinking about sleep, anyway.

First, though, I drew a picture, and posted it to one of the Yahoo! Groups that I'm a member of. Then, because I'm hopeless, I played Zelda II in ROM form for awhile, until I finished the fifth palace. Then got some cereal, and started typing this. Now the cereal and the story are both done, so I'm going to brush my teeth and go to bed. See you tomorrow.

Battlegrounds again

Sun, 07 Dec 2003 10:58:29 GMT

How's this for an unbalanced battle in a video game. Your opponent starts with four mana, you start with zero. Your opponent's mana fills up twice as fast as yours. Your opponent casts legions of huge creatures. The spell you have to cast before you can win is Hellfire, which destroys all nonblack creatures, but costs six mana, takes approximately an hour to cast, and deals 3 damage to you plus one for each creature it kills (usually three). And the opponent has enough mana that refills fast enough that she can easily replace the creatures you destroy. So in order to win, you have to combat 3/3, 4/4, 6/5 and 8/8 creatures while purposely spending vast resources to accomplish little except hitting yourself for (at least) 6. And this is just to defend yourself. It reeks of poor design, much like the rest of the single player game. Do playtesters actually care about fun and playability these days, or do they just look for bugs? And judging from the current PC game climate, I could easily ask even they even care about bugs.

They're really called "Grammies"

Fri, 05 Dec 2003 08:40:46 GMT

So I guess the Shitty Stupid Award nominations were announced today. I haven't seen any of them yet. Let's see how close my spur-of-the-moment predictions are.

For album of the year, Radiohead's Hail To The Thief and Shania Twain's Up! seem like near certainties. The White Stripes' Elephant is deserving, but is exactly the sort of album these awards always seem to overlook. Then there's Justin Timberlake's Justified and Beyonce Knowles's Dangerously In Love, and perhaps Johnny Cash's American IV: The Man Comes Around or Evanescence's Fallen. But there's always one nominee I never see coming, so my predictions are Beyonce Knowles, Radiohead, Justin Timberlake, Shania Twain, and a wild card that I couldn't possibly predecit.

For record of the year, I pick Eminem's "Lose Yourself," Beyonce Knowles's "Crazy In Love," something from Shania Twain (I couldn't guess specifically, but something), and unless the Grammies are prepared to lose any shred of respectability they had left, Johnny Cash's "Hurt." The fifth slot also remains a wild card.

For best new artist, I already know Evanescence was nominated. Beyonce Knowles, Justin Timberlake, 50 Cent and some obscure opera singer or something are my other picks.

Now, let's look at the website and see how I did...

Wow. I didn't know Outkast was eligible. I thought the awards only covered albums released before October of each year, and yet I see Outkast's current single, "Hey Ya!" nominated for record of the year. The other nominees are Beyonce Knowles's "Crazy In Love," Black Eyed Peas' "Where Is The Love," Coldplay's "Clocks" and Eminem's "Lose Yourself." So I picked two out of five, and I am enraged that Jonny Cash's "Hurt" isn't on that list.

As for record of the year, Outkast strikes again. I had considered them, but I thought their album was released too late in the year for consideration. Apparently, eligibility follows no rules. The nominees are Missy Elliot's Under Construction, Evanescence's Fallen (I was so close!), Outkast's Speaperboxxx/The Love Below, Justin Timberlake's Justified and The White Stripes' Elephant. So I got one right, missed two others, and thought one wasn't eligible. Not too bad. Next year I'll be sure to consider The Beatles' Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band, since it seems to be as likely as anything under the academy's weird laws.

Best new artist. Evanescence, 50 Cent, Fountains Of Wayne, Heather Headley (who would be the obscure wild card in my predictions, as I have no idea who the hell she is) and Sean Paul. It would seem that, between the time they gave Lauren Hill this award in 1998 and now, they have realized that people who were already in bands previously are not new artists. God, I hate the Grammies.

So let's see if any other nominees are interesting... Ooh, cute little battle in the alternative album category. The Flaming Lips' Fight Test EP, Radiohead's Hail To The Thief, Sigur Ros's ( ), The White Stripes' Elephant and The Yeah Yeah Yeahs' Fever To Tell. Guess which one wins.

Ah, good. "Hurt" got nominated for best short form music video.

Geez, look at all these current singles that have been nominated. I'm gonna go check the eligibility requirements...

HA! According to this, eligible recordings were released between October 1st, 2002, and September 30th, 2003. Bullshit. Total fucking bullshit and lies. It is now December 5th, and they are playing half the nominated songs on the radio right now. I know Outkast's album was not available in September. Kinda reminds me of the 2000 awards, in which Radiohead's Kid A was nominated for album of the year despite being released on October 2nd.

God, I hate the Grammies. And yet I so love music. Why does the year's major music award have to be this pile of manure?

Yet another video game entry

Sat, 29 Nov 2003 16:05:33 GMT

I know, I know. But I got a new one, so it's only fair to talk about it.

The game I got is called Magic: The Gathering - Battlegrounds. It's roughly based on the card game, but in a more real time way. You play a mage on one side of a battlefield, battling another mage on the other side. At regular intervals, "mana spheres" appear on the field, and when you collect one, it adds one mana to the maximum you can hold. The mana fills itself up automatically over time, and you can use it to cast spells from the "spellbook" (read: deck) that you built prior to the match. The spellbook can contain only 10 spells, but you have immediate, unlimited access to all of them, so your available mana is your only restriction. You cast creatures and sorceries and enchantments in an effort to reduce your opponent's life total from 20 to 0. Oh, and you can also whack the opponent's creatures for 1 damage, and use mana to generate a shield that halves the damage you take. That's the basic idea. You can play against the computer in one-on-one battles, called Arcade Battles, or you can play against a second player. Or you can play others via Xbox Live or the Internet. There's also the single player Quest Mode, which I'll get to in a second.

There's just one small detail. While the game does allow you to play against others as premade characters with premade spellbooks, there are only five, and their spellbooks are limited. To really enjoy the game, you have to build your own spellbook. And to do that, you have to earn your spells. You earn cards in Quest Mode.

There are, I think, 70 missions to go through in Quest Mode, and you earn a new spell after completing each one. There are 70 spells in the game, 14 in each color, which doesn't allow for too much flexibility in spellbook construction when you consider that spellbooks hold 10 spells, but do keep in mind that you can make two-color spellbooks, and downloadable new spells are forthcoming. So I'm not too displeased with the number of spells available. It's the earning them that's troublesome.

The first few missions in the game are just to teach you the mechanics. A tutorial. After you start earning spells, each mission will be designed to teach you to properly use the spell you just earned. For example, once you learn to summon Giant Spiders that can block flying creatures, you'll face an opponent who attacks you with flying creatures. To complete each mission, you have to complete a task (usually defeating the opponent, but sometimes it's another task like being the first to get 12 mana), and you must use the spell you just earned. And just to make sure you do, the game is actually designed to make using that spell necessary (well, usually). That's the main flaw in the Quest Mode. It isn't as much about strategy as understanding how the game is programmed. Like the Giant Spider scenario I mentioned. The Giant Spider has a casting cost of four. As soon as you collect your fourth mana sphere, that is when your opponent is going to begin summoning flying creatures. So essentially, what you have to do in most missions is defend yourself as minimally as possible until you have enough mana to cast the spell they want you to cast. So sometimes the Quest Mode feels like a chore. Sometimes, it's just monotonous. And then there's the ridiculous...

The mission I am on now is in the green section. I've just learned the Rushwood Elemental spell. My opponent is a red mage who starts with a full 12 mana, and who does nothing but cast Raging Goblin and Engulfing Flames, in that order. Over and over and over. And over and over. And over and over and over and over. Did I mention that the mages in this game call out the name of the spell as they cast it? "Raging Goblin! Englulfing Flames! Raging Goblin! Engulfing Flames! Raging Goblin!" Those two spells are minor by themselves, the first being a fast 1/1 creature and the second dealing 1 damage to the closest opposing target, but when there's an endless torrent of them, it gets annoying. Playing this with Glenn, he noticed that the computer is programmed to be more effective against certain tactics. If you cast 2/3 Elvish Warriors, it'll keep up it's Raging Goblin/Engulfing Flames pattern mindlessly. If you happen to cast 3/3 regenerating Gorilla Chieftains, the computer will suddenly break its pattern to start firebombing the gorillas with Engulfing Flames until they're dead (and Engulfing Flames stops regeneration). I think what you're supposed to do here is cast some Llanowar Elves, then start sending Elvish Warriors out for defense until you can cast Priest of Titania. Then keep casting Elvish Warriors while the other elves build up your mana, until you can cast the Rushwood Elemental. Really, though, that's a lot easier said than done, because you have to almost constantly spend your mana in two-point bursts to keep enough Elvish Warriors around, and the target Rushwood Elemental costs five. Plus, you always summon creatures in front of you, and Engulfing Flames hits whatever opposing target is closest. So if you don't time your elf summoning perfectly, it'll just get engulfed instantly because it's closer to the opponent than you. Add to this the fact that I have yet to see Rushwood Elemental actually make a difference in battle. I think you might have to cast Giant Growth on it a whole lot, which also costs two mana a pop.

Anyway, I'm tired and I'm gonna sleep now. I jsut wanted to rant about bitchy the wonder summoner a bit, as she's very frustrating to battle.

On Nintendo

Sat, 22 Nov 2003 15:21:06 GMT

Okay, so I spent the evening delving deep into Mario Kart: Double Dash!! with Glenn and Micah. Damn, I need a fourth controller for my 'Cube. Here's a brief review before I get to my point.

I probably says a lot about the game that I just had to briefly describe the controls to Glenn and Micah before they understood exactly how to play. Even my mother was winning races consistantly after simply picking up the controller, albeit on the easiest setting, based on her experience with Diddy Kong Racing on the N64. The fact is that it plays just like every other game of this sort ever. There are little additions like the second character on each kart, which is just a glorified way of giving you a second item slot and allows for an (interesting) alternative multiplayer mode, with one player controlling each character. And the weird sliding cornering mechanism, which Micah says was also featured in Mario Kart 64 and thus is not new. So it's pretty much the same game you've been playing for ten years. That's not a terribly bad thing, since Mario Kart games have always been exceptionally good. Much like Mario Golf, however, there are minor flaws that are just so glaring, you wonder how they got through playtesting. For example, the huge "START!" that appears when it's time to start the race, obscuring the portion of the screen directly in front of you for a second. A crucial second, as it turns out, since it's where you determine your starting trajectory and see how fast your opponents started. There's just no reason for that. I was also appalled to see some computer cheating, where the vehicle designated to be your rival for first place will suddenly speed up for no reason other than to take its predetermined place in front of you. That is an obvious sign of poor design in a racing game, and shame on Nintendo for using it. And of course there's the lack of Internet capability, instead relying on you getting a second TV, second GameCube, second copy of the game, two broadband adaptors, two ethernet cables and a router/hub so you can create an overly-complex LAN. Not so much a flaw as a stupid, unnecessary and outdated idea stemming from Nintendo's lack of familiarity with this so-called "Interweb," though. All in all, the game gets thumbs up from me, provided you won't tire of another kart game in an oversaturated market or have friends you can play with regularly. Because it is fun in multiplayer. But it confirmed something I've been suspecting for awhile...

Nintendo, frankly, has run out of steam as far as console games go. Look at their track record recently. After Metroid Prime (which they didn't make), most of their high-profile releases have been simply adequate at best. As exhibits, I offer StarFox Adventures, Super Mario Sunshine, The Legend Of Zelda: The Wind Waker, Wario World, Mario Golf: Toadstool Tour, and now Mario Kart: Double Dash!! StarFox Adventures has been widely disregarded thanks to its being another Rare-created fetchfest. Super Mario Sunshine got a good reaction at first, but is now generally viewed with a somewhat scornful eye due to its overall laziness as far as upgrading the Super Mario 64 experience. The Wind Waker got a lot of attention because of its (excellent) graphics and classic Zelda feel, but beneath the surface, you find a very shallow game, light on dungeons and adventure and heavy on sailing through uneventful waters. Wario World is apparently so short, it isn't worth buying as opposed to renting. Toadstool Tour has a number of just plain stupid design flaws that make it, in several ways, inferior to its N64 predecessor (true it was made by a third party, but that third party also made Mario Golf 64). And now there's Double Dash!!, which I have described above as not much of an upgrade over previous incarnations of the series. The fact is that the only use I really get out of my 'Cube these days is when I bring it to our Friday get-togethers so we can Smash, Golf or (now) Kart, and I don't think there's any reason we couldn't have done that with a Nintendo 64 instead. Pretty sad.

Anyway, my GameCube purchases nowadays are based on those multiplayer get-togethers, not how much single player use I'll get out of the game. The 'Cube is a party machine that serves as merely a platform upgrade, since the games you could be playing on an N64 are being released on the 'Cube instead. As a solo form of amusement, it is average, and can easily be displaced by the PS2's 3D platform games or the Xbox's miscellaneous unique offerings and online capability.

Sat, 22 Nov 2003 02:39:41 GMT

Later tonight, after I've spent a few hours doing Mario Kart: Double Dash!! multiplayer, there will be a rantish thing here about Nintendo. Start hitting that refresh button!

A brush with greatness

Fri, 14 Nov 2003 14:44:31 GMT

Okay, this is a dumb story, but it's kind of amusing. So bear with it.

I had the opportunity to go to my local mall today. As I neared Electronics Boutique, I decided to make it my mission to find proof of the existance of the Nokia N-Gage. Without asking any of the salespeople for help. I wanted to see if I could find any sign that there was a portable system other than the Game Boy Advance available for the window shopper...

To help with this story, I have created the following crude rendering of EB's layout:

You'll note that each wall has been given a number. That is to help with navigation. Let's begin. I walked around the place counterclockwise.

The break in the bottom is where you enter. Wall #1 is for display. Mostly glass, with shelves to show off the latest promotion or releases to the outside. Also on this wall, immediately to your right as you enter, is the Xbox demo unit. Wall #2 is where the Xbox games are. Wall #3 is the PS2 games, ending on the corner with the PS2 demo unit. Wall #4 is the Nintendo console wall, mostly covered with GameCube stuff, but with a tad of used N64 games. Also, the GameCube demo unit is here. The right half of Wall #5 is Game Boy Advance games, and a small demo unit. The left half, along with the upper portion of Wall #6, is PC games. Pretty much the rest of Wall #6 is the counter, which has a display case holding the hottest new releases behind it. Also throughout the store are some island shelves that hold magazines and used games and third party peripherals and Dreamcast stuff and toys and the like.

You'll notice that I haven't mentioned any N-Gage things. There were none. So I started back to the Xbox section, to browse. AND THEN I FOUND IT!

Snuggled up on the left side of the Xbox demo unit, pressed thinly against the wall and effectively hidden from first glace, was the N-Gage demo display. And it was the only evidence of it in the whole store. I had walked past it without noticing on my first circuit of the store. You see the Xbox demo, you see Xbox games. You've seen the display between them from the outside. You figure there's nothing else to see there. YOU'RE WRONG! THERE'S THE N-GAGE!

So there it was. Naturally, I went over and tried it. I couldn't make it work. I could get to the Tomb Raider title screen, but I was lost from there. There are about 18 buttons on the thing (and this is a conservative estimate, not an exaggeration), plus a control pad, and none of them seemed to function as what any other system would call the Start button. I found it funny. Maybe it was more of an interface demo than a game demo, and you were just supposed to see how you could browse through the thing's features without actually applying any of them. Seems kinda dumb when there's a guy right next to me playing Grand Theft Auto: Vice City. But, you know, I guess Nokia are the geniuses...